What do you do if someone is hurt because they weren’t “picked” for your Huddle?
April 12, 2012
Each week, via a short, 2-3 minute video we try to answer one practical question that we hear lots of people asking. Our hope is that these will be helpful, but will also spur on conversation and more questions in the comment section. If you want to keep digging around with questions related to this topic, post the comment, and we’ll be interacting with these daily.
Today’s question is answered by Eric Pfeiffer, our Director of Coaching at 3DM. It’s hard to imagine many people more gifted at coaching top-shelf leaders than Eric and he provides some great insight in this post on what you do if someone is hurt and/or offended if they weren’t picked for your Huddle.
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Mike Breen 
His first reason is, I think, a bit suspect. Eric suggests telling the person that ‘it’s not personal and I’ve really prayed about, and this Huddle is really about what the Lord wants’ – you’ve got to be careful not to sound like you’re saying. ‘Hey, I would have picked you, ‘cos its not personal, it’s just that GOD didn’t want you in the Huddle’! Not likely to calm a hurt person’s sense of self if it sounds like you were rejected for leadership by the LORD. That plus it’s hard for someone to come back with anything, how can I respond positively to this setback if it is God who has turned me down.
If we do think that they’re not included, as leaders we should ask God for wisdom in how to build that person up and give them hope for the future which is where Eric’s other suggestions are much stronger.
This is helpful. Thanks, all, for your posts.
Good stuff. I’d appreciate the Pfeiffer subtle-swagger;) I would add, that if someone is persistent in their complaints about not being picked, it is OK to say ‘be careful what you ask for. Huddle is not like a small group. You will receive challenge and your lifestyle will be impinged upon.’ We’ve used that a few times at Prince of Peace and they usually drop it after that without too many hard feelings.
If someone in my community was upset that I was focussing my discipling energies on others, I would praise God for awakening in people a desire to be discipled! This problem is infinitely preferable to leading an apathetic, overly busy, part-time community!
Have these canned answers actually worked on thinking people? With all of the ways people have been marketed to in today’s world, I’d be surprised if someone couldn’t see right through these conflict-avoidance answers.
A person feeling this way (left out because they couldn’t be in the leader’s huddle) should really be questioning why they attach such importance to the affirmation of the leader himself.
Sorry, but I have to agree with simplepastor, in that it can’t be anything BUT personal, if you are personally not picked! I’m also slightly concerned about the notion of helping this person think about how to be a ‘person of peace’ to the leader which could create a culture of sucking up to those in charge in order to be picked. Of course, I assume that this is in no way the intention. I’d feel a bit happier with a starting point of ‘be as brutally (& gently) honest as you can’ and then some helpful ideas about how to say things directly but gently. Also some thoughts about how to help the person develop in their relationship with God so that they are secure enough to not need this affirmation (as highlighted by Bob) eg find someone who can disciple them if not you. I find the suggestions given smack slightly of helping someone to conform so that they fit a mould rather than helping them develop in their God-given calling. I’m sure this is not how Eric operates but would be a little concerned that it could be interpreted this way.
I wonder if perhaps we are over analyzing a little on Erics response on the word “personal.” I think what he is articulating is that the decision isn’t meant to reflect their inherent value or meaning, either to us or to God.
Absolutely agree with that – and that’s why using that kind of language rather than ‘it’s not personal’ may be more helpful to the person who is feeling hurt.